Pain of a working MOM

Well. I am working since my college final year[part time] till now. I took 2 months for my delivery and again going back to the same. I took a contractor position with the government when she turned one as I know working 24* 7 is not going to work for us. ... All are past stories.

Swetha went to daycare since she from her 1st birhtday. She is ahppy and we are . When she's growing day by day , she's more attached, more emotional.
She all the time want to be with MOM. I feel so jealous when I see stay home moms. Like them , I want to do drushing , give then bath , feed them , play with them , make them sleep. Morning bharat needs to take care of her. It was mechanical. But now-a-days the thought of "staying home" inside me is increasing.

Whenever she says "amma venum, appa venum .." for me tears will come out of guilt.If she gets up in the morning before I start to office ,she never leaves me to office. Of couse , bharat will save me by deviating her.

Now-a-days I am questioning myself whether I can be a stay home mom everyday Before I go to bed.

I always feel that I should have bonded more with swetha If I am a stay home MOM

At times , when me and bharat are so tired and cannot give attention to swetha when she badly needs the same , i really feel guilty.

sometimes bharat used to scold her , beat her when she was not sleeping even at 12 PM in the night , when he's waiting for office calls. He'll ask me to go to sleep as I have to start early. But she's my baby. How can I see him beating her.

My mind knows very well that, Kids will grow up and they will understand .
But as a mother , my emotions come first. Especially with the girl who's fascinating , loves to play with me , admirning me with her little talk, tons of questions , little arts ... Am I missing all these because I work.?

At the same time , I love my work. I love what I am doing. We have some good signifigant investment made for swetha. She's going to montesorri school. Planning to put her for Ballet dancing ,music which she loves..
For all these we need two people income. Now Bharat has the opportunity to grow but need to work harder.

I know I am talking two different things which cannot come together as a package in our life . I can live with only one. I am coming home early. Spending time her. Playing with her. Preparing her special food , taking her to the park ...


I think it's just emotional feeling. She forget me when she see her friends , enjoying school with friends and her teacher.Thats what she wants. I need to know how to overwrite this thought in my mind. I am sure she does not need me when she's 8 or 9. I am reading lot MOMS blogs .Feel better to know that they also feel the same. Whatever steps I take to come out of this , the wave of guilt is coming now and then. I think it's part of motherhood.

I always used to tell Bharat , if we go back to India after we have earned more for swetha's future , I can take retirement and stay back home. But I am sure it'll take some 10+years .By the time swetha will be used to this environment ,even us and we'll think about going back. Even if we does , swetha will not need me all the time and I cannot get back today's moments.

So, what is the solution ?It is what it is !!! What else I can say.

I love u my dear. I never leave u alone. I will be always with you.
I love you more and more everyday. Missing u so much when you are not with me.
Thinking all about you..

Mommy and Swetha time

Usually all of us [three] used to go to Bed together. Now-a-days bharat has off-shore team meetings and he will come only by 2-30 or 3. So we go to Bed first. This is precious -Mommy and Swetha time. She heard the "chulbuli song" and she's more attracted towards that. She thought Chulbuli is a character like Dora and there are more stories about her. I need to tell Chulbuli sotry everyday. I used this opportunity to get what's going on in the daycare , asking what she learned today ,teaching her slokas , teaching her manners . She used to ask me tons and tons of questions about everything under the sun. How this is happening, what is this , why this is like this ? ..... and the list is bigger to list.I used to convert Dora stories to Chulbuli.The charactes are chulbuli, bulbuli , gulbuli and gullabi...All my own imagination. I used to read something and prepare my own stories for her.It works very well too. We used to tickle each other, holding the faces close to each other and we used to play something.It's all precious and it's our precious time.It increases our bonding very much. This time is very precious for me and for her too. If Bharat offers to tell her chulbuli story, she'll say amma only knows that. I love her more and more everyday for everything what she does. Our bonding is increasing day by day. I love u kannamma. Love u soooo much

Picky Poor eater

Swetha has strong likes and dislikes for food. I used tell myself , my food is good , if swetha eats it. Idli should be very soft. Dosai should be golden brown. She likes pasta very much. The only thing which she never say No is Icecream. But she does not like milk at all. She has developed a great aversion. Donot know why. Milk in any form , will take a long time for her to finish. If I am home , I used to tell her stories and feed her. Bharat with morning office meetings cannot do that. So I am giving her eggs now-a-days to fulfill the protein and calcium needs. She does not eat spicy food.She's very lean .When I see other kids of her age , she's just half in their weight. Sometimes I used to worry about that a lot. Thinking everyday about how to handle this problem. Hope I will get some help

Little surprises everyday

We are blessed with this wonderful time in our life with Swetha. She's grown up now proudly says I am a big girl amma atleast 50 times a days. See I am having big hands , big legs .... See love to Dance . Pick up any song when she hears for the first time. Enjoying playing with her Friends. Able to differentiate whom she likes and not.She's learning new new songs from the daycare and immediately after coming from there, she'll teach me ... She'll not leave until I sing the rhyme perfectly with the same style of hers. We love playing each other. She needs a story for everything. Chulbuli or Dora .... Night she cannot sleep without my chulbuli stories.Can speak Tamil and English perfectly.She constantly talk about her friends. Never disturb me. She loves to help me in the litchen. ..What else you need ..

Yesterday we went to Giant for regular grocery shopping.Bharat said he's hungry and wants to have a sandwich. It's has been a long time we went to subway because of swetha.She wanted to have to coke when we went last time and troubled us. So we stopped going. I also got a spiral straw cup for her yesterday from giant and immediately after bharat said sandwich, she said I can have coke in this cup. I said water.she said coke and we were walking and inside subway I read from the price tag that see swetha , it says this is for water .I thought she'll believe. She thought for a second and took it from me and read .Amma it says
"Put in Coke , put in ice cubes mix and then drink through the straw " .I was speechless.What can you say.

Sometimes she'll take the books and read of her own using the pictures. If I donot respond to her, she'll say amma timeout okey ...

She's too talkative. She asks 100 questions for everything and never leave me if I donot answer. Sometimes it'll make us think. Sometimes make us realize we are wrong with something ...

She has very good pronounciation.She can sing "Nama ramayan" very easily. I want to put her for ballet dance and music classes.

Much more to say about her. Let me reserve some for the next post.

I love you kannamma. Luv u soooooo much...