Pain of a working MOM

Well. I am working since my college final year[part time] till now. I took 2 months for my delivery and again going back to the same. I took a contractor position with the government when she turned one as I know working 24* 7 is not going to work for us. ... All are past stories.

Swetha went to daycare since she from her 1st birhtday. She is ahppy and we are . When she's growing day by day , she's more attached, more emotional.
She all the time want to be with MOM. I feel so jealous when I see stay home moms. Like them , I want to do drushing , give then bath , feed them , play with them , make them sleep. Morning bharat needs to take care of her. It was mechanical. But now-a-days the thought of "staying home" inside me is increasing.

Whenever she says "amma venum, appa venum .." for me tears will come out of guilt.If she gets up in the morning before I start to office ,she never leaves me to office. Of couse , bharat will save me by deviating her.

Now-a-days I am questioning myself whether I can be a stay home mom everyday Before I go to bed.

I always feel that I should have bonded more with swetha If I am a stay home MOM

At times , when me and bharat are so tired and cannot give attention to swetha when she badly needs the same , i really feel guilty.

sometimes bharat used to scold her , beat her when she was not sleeping even at 12 PM in the night , when he's waiting for office calls. He'll ask me to go to sleep as I have to start early. But she's my baby. How can I see him beating her.

My mind knows very well that, Kids will grow up and they will understand .
But as a mother , my emotions come first. Especially with the girl who's fascinating , loves to play with me , admirning me with her little talk, tons of questions , little arts ... Am I missing all these because I work.?

At the same time , I love my work. I love what I am doing. We have some good signifigant investment made for swetha. She's going to montesorri school. Planning to put her for Ballet dancing ,music which she loves..
For all these we need two people income. Now Bharat has the opportunity to grow but need to work harder.

I know I am talking two different things which cannot come together as a package in our life . I can live with only one. I am coming home early. Spending time her. Playing with her. Preparing her special food , taking her to the park ...


I think it's just emotional feeling. She forget me when she see her friends , enjoying school with friends and her teacher.Thats what she wants. I need to know how to overwrite this thought in my mind. I am sure she does not need me when she's 8 or 9. I am reading lot MOMS blogs .Feel better to know that they also feel the same. Whatever steps I take to come out of this , the wave of guilt is coming now and then. I think it's part of motherhood.

I always used to tell Bharat , if we go back to India after we have earned more for swetha's future , I can take retirement and stay back home. But I am sure it'll take some 10+years .By the time swetha will be used to this environment ,even us and we'll think about going back. Even if we does , swetha will not need me all the time and I cannot get back today's moments.

So, what is the solution ?It is what it is !!! What else I can say.

I love u my dear. I never leave u alone. I will be always with you.
I love you more and more everyday. Missing u so much when you are not with me.
Thinking all about you..